I WANNA MARRY HARRY, Episode Four
Good day Guvna. This week we find ourselves in the throes of cat fights and early exits, so let’s get to it. Karina wakes up in paradise, also known as the crown suite. It’s a lovely morning and the fear of being eliminated has been forgotten—for now. She receives a note inviting her to breakfast in the English heartthrob’s room.
Prior to her entry, a smokescreen has been placed in the form of a Photoshopped image of Matt (the man currently known as Harry) and Prince William. While sipping tea, Karina spots the bait. “Is that who I think it is?” She asserts, “I knew it!” Harry the Imposter confirms that the man in the photo is his brother. Then breakfast is over. Wait, that’s it? Karina gets one measly breakfast date. What about a picnic on the beach (Rose) or in the enchanted forest (Kimberly)? What is wrong with the world?
Shortly thereafter the horn sounds and Kingsley announces the next group activity, “Some of you will be riding horses today, and the others will be mucking out the stables.” What’s His Name chooses Chelsea and Maggie to ride horses, citing, “I’m still wondering if I have chemistry with either of these two girls.” As they trot off, Chelsea poses a bold question, “Have you ever dated a black girl?” Brilliant. Chelsea wins this round. Not Really Price Harry admits that he has not and he is certainly open to it.
The trio arrives at a lunch spread set near a stable. I knew there’d be a picnic! When Scam Harry mentions that he brought beer for Maggie, Chelsea hints at how appropriate that is because Mags really likes to drink. Maggie is none too pleased and the subtle jabs continue throughout the meal. Harry declares, “It was a tough lunch.” Despite the comment, I believe both girls are safe. It’s bad manners to eliminate a black girl after saying you’re open to dating a black girl. And Maggie, dear Maggie, will be kept for entertainment value. Every reality show needs a drunk.
Back in the stable, the other girls are over the mucking—except Kelley. This Southern girl is proud to show off her stable-cleaning skills—to the point where poop ends up on her shirt. Confident that word will get back to Con Harry, she is determined to make an impression.
Once the riding and mucking is done for the day, Maggie lays into Chelsea for mentioning her fondness for alcoholic beverages in front of the Pauper Playing Prince. They argue in the dining hall, up the stairs, and back in bedroom. And what’s this? Oh no! Decoy Harry can hear them screaming while sitting serenely in his room.
Once the yelling dies down, Karina does get her second date after all. The crown suite princess is whisked away in a helicopter for a date in London town. The pair enjoy champagne on a speed boat ride down the River Thames. They see some screaming (and planted) Prince Harry fans on a bridge. All two of them. They enjoy the show’s third kiss. After which, the Swindler of Wales says, “I quite like you.”
Kiss-n-Tell Karina returns to the house and reports to the girls about the fans on the bridge and the kiss. “Tongue. Yeah there was tongue.” Who cares about that detail after seventh grade? Somewhere in the midst of all this, Chelsea disappears—making her the prime topic for a round table dinner discussion. The girls lament that the man they all seek doesn’t know what she’s really like.
To my surprise, Karina gets a third date. Sir summons her to the bedroom where they make out for a good long while. To the camera, Artificial Harry artificially struggles with lying now that he’s developing feelings for Karina. Meanwhile downstairs, Kelley is tearing up over her wallflower status. She wants to be in the crown suite!
The next time the girls are in a group, Anna Lisa and Maggie go at Chelsea. Chelsea doesn’t fight back as much as she tells them she’s done with them. Chelsea then requests time alone with the pretend prince. Are they allowed to do that? Do the other girls know this is an option? We suspect what’s coming, she tells the Grand Prize that she has decided to leave the show. He asks if he can persuade her to stay, but she has made up her mind.
One girl down, now the other eight have to get ready to play badminton. Kelley slips and slides all over the grassy court. The Prince of Farce says, “She’s not as glamorous and glitzy as the other girls,” but he does like that she’s down to earth.
Moments later, Anna Lisa is invited to be alone with Not Harry. She’s a doubter. She tells the camera that she doesn’t believe he’s Prince Harry because, “He doesn’t really have that many freckles.” During their alone time, she asks questions about how he spends his time. Her cards are on the table. He knows she’s not buying into the royal charade. After this conversation, I decide Anna Lisa will be the one to go. If we suspend our belief for a moment and act as though this show isn’t a means of finding love and it is, in fact, a game then getting rid of the non believer is the best move to make.
Next, into the hot tub we go for a game of Truth or Dare. Rose accepts a dare and impressively owns a chicken dance in front of one of the stoic security guards. Like the Queen’s Guards who dutifully watch over Buckingham Palace, this guy doesn’t bat an eye. Meanwhile, Meghan plays footsies in the tub with “Babe”—her new pet name for the man of the show.
For the first time, I am inclined to guess not only who is going home but also who is destined for the crown suite. I lean toward Kelley because of Sir’s “down to earth” comment. During dinner, the girls decide there will be no elimination because Chelsea has removed herself. Kingsley requests that only one girl, Anna Lisa, meet with Sir. Now, I’m guessing that she’s going home and there’s will no crown suite winner. Twist!
Alas, I was foiled. Kingsley comes back moments later and asks for Kelley. I really did guess these two before Kingsley said a word! Kelley makes the sign of the cross as she walks to the garden. Only the Lord can help her now. She is tearing up by the time Babe comes out to the garden to meet her. “Please don’t tell me I’m going home,” she pleads as soon as she sees him (if he hadn’t planned to send her home that whiney voice may have changed his mind). Fortunately, the decision had already been made and Kelley is invited to the crown suite.
I’m happy for Kelley. She’s so squeal-ly, “I go from being an emotional wreck to literally the happiest girl in the world.” The other girls are happy for Kelley, too. They lift her onto their shoulders. There are no catfights tonight. Anna Lisa and Chelsea—two of the most argumentative dames—have left the estate.
Samara O’Shea enjoys singing in the rain and writing. She is the author of three narrative nonfiction books—most recently Loves Me…Not: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in the Face of Unrequited Love. Stop by and say hello on Twitter, Facebook, or SamaraOShea.com.