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I WANNA MARRY HARRY, Episode Three

I WANNA MARRY HARRY, Episode Three

Our story begins with Kimberly, last week’s crown suite winner, sleeping soundly in her private chambers. Kingsley wakes her up bright and early for her day date with Mr. Doppelganger. Sir, Kingsley’s pet name for the man of the show, escorts her to a hot air balloon. Not just any hot air balloon—one with the British flag on it! Lest we forget what country we’re in. Kimberly is beside herself at the gesture, saying, “This is the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me.” As if he inflated the balloon himself.

Back at the estate, the sun is up and Jackie regrets calling Anna Lisa and Meghan the “mean girls.” Meghan has no misgivings about last episode’s quarrel and dubs her sworn enemy “Tacky Jackie.” On a personal note, Meghan’s ombre is out of control and it distracts me from the important name calling that’s taking place. Her roots are an Oreo and her ends are the cream—a stark, unattractive contrast.

On the date, Sham Harry and Kimberly are drinking champagne in the clouds. When they land, another date awaits them. It’s a picnic in the enchanted forest—complete with Queen-sized hammock. This seems to be a better date than last week’s with Rose, or maybe it was just filmed that way. Rose peppered her civilian companion with questions while Kimberly and Sir appear to be having a conversation. While conversing politely, someone appears in the shadows. Could it be phony paparazzi that the phony security guards have to shoo away? “Who’s that?” begs Kimberly. “Some pap guy,” replies Pretend Harry. The date ends without a kiss, but that’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it means he fancies the lady all the more.

Making our way back to the estate, Jackie declares that she’s “still flirting with the idea” that he’s Prince Harry. As the show goes on the girls become more convinced, or maybe it’s just filmed that way, that this guy is really Prince William’s lady in waiting. The backward thinking insults my senses. Alas, I continue to watch.

Having not spent enough time with Maggie, Jackie, and Kelley, Sir invites the trio on a rowing trip. He says, “They haven’t stood out to me.” It’s a mercy date. While on the outing, Kelley stands out by doing a backflip and hitting her head on the side of the boat. I’ve gotta give it to the girl, that’s a difficult thing to stage. I think she really clocked her head, and that earns her a stay—for this episode at least. The mock prince dives in after her. She surfaces declaring she’s okay. Her ego throbbing, no doubt.

Upon return, Sir arranges a pool party for the ladies—complete with limbo competition, which even gets Kingsley clapping. Afterwards, Not Harry invites Meghan to be alone with him in the hot tub. This bums me out. I am ready for Meghan and her unruly ombre to go. Jackie is “not shocked that Meghan and her giant boobs” get to spend time with him. While in the tub, the show’s second kiss takes place. Anti-Harry tell her she’s a good kisser. She responds with, “It’s one of my many talents.” Meghan’s not going home. Bollocks.

Imitation Harry returns to the pool where Carley—a girl who hasn’t received much air time—makes a clever move. She declares she knows about turntables and shows off her skills at the DJ table. Yes the pool party comes complete with DJ. With the change in music comes a twerking contest. While Carley was game for the gig as DJ, she refuses to twerk and the other girls declare her a wet blanket.

There is one more invitation for a private hot tub meeting with the faulty prince, and it goes to Karina. Once settled in the bubbly water, Karina declares loud and proud that she loved her ex-boyfriend for who he was—a well-known football (i.e. soccer) player apparently—and not for his fame. Clone Harry likes this.

At this point in past episodes, I’ve had a bonafide guess as to who is going home. This time, I’ve got nothing. There have been no trivial complaints from Harry Harry Bo Barry.

During dinner, Kingsley requests the presence of Carley and Karina. I’m disappointed that Meghan isn’t going home but also glad that she’s not going to the crown suite. Between these two, my guess is that Carley is leaving. This is based solely on the fact that she didn’t twerk.

I’ve noticed during the past two episodes, Sir has dismissed whichever girl was sitting in the library. Carley is not, however, brought to the library. He brings her outside to the gazebo, sits her down, and…asks her to leave. They changed the pattern! Oh those wily producers. Karina is gifted with the key to the crown suite. Meghan looks pissed. The previews imply that two girls will be sent home next week. The game is still afoot.

 

Samara O’Shea is the author of three narrative nonfiction books—most recently Loves Me…Not: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in the Face of Unrequited Love. Stop by and say hello on Twitter, Facebook, or SamaraOShea.com.