Stiletto Magazine: The Elusive . . . Perfect . . . First Kiss by Julie Greene (Aka, Lauren Layne *wink*)
What’s up, Stiletto readers?
Julie Greene here–Stiletto magazine’s resident dating expert.
Rumor has it that this Thursday’s post was supposed to be a tour of the office ….
(Excuse me while I wake myself up from my nap).
Seriously though, I’m sure the tour will be a blast when it happens next week, but take it from someone who works at Stiletto, the tour of the office can wait. Because I have something far, far sexier to talk about.
I worry that kissing is becoming a lost art these days as it’s the “main course” that gets all the attention. And while I love a good sex-in-the-shower (or on the counter, or at the opera (!!) session as much as the next girl, but there’s is nothing—nothing—like magic of the first kiss.
And similarly there’s nothing as tragically bad as a lousy one.
Don’t believe me? Let’s review.
(For those of you not lucky enough to read about my rather epic love story (humility is so passé) with the sexy, if slightly arrogant Mitchell Forbes, here’s a look at one of my most popular articles):
Excerpt from After the Kiss in which Julie reviews the types of first kisses:
The Slug: Involves a tongue that is shoved into one’s mouth and just…stays there. Completely immobile, as though its very presence is supposed to light your fire. It doesn’t.
The Labrador: Also referred to as Bad Dog!, this is another tongue offender. Hint: if either party’s face is wet after a kiss, you’re doing it wrong. Julie carried baby wipes for just this occasion.
The Heavy-Breather: No. Just no. Your short-rib scented breath should never be all up in someone else’s business.
The Dentist: This one had multiple meanings. It could refer to trying to clean someone else’s molars with your tongue, or the repeated front-teeth grinding. Saliva exchange is acceptable. Plaque? Not so much.
Poke and Swirl: Self-explanatory. Also, horrifying.
The Biter: A gentle nip was okay, but drawing blood? Only sexy if it involves one of the hot guys from Buffy.
And Julie’s personal least favorite…
The Moaner. Sure, a sexy moan here and there could be a turn-on. When it came from the woman. A man going all Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally? So wrong.
There were fewer types of good kisses than bad, because, well…kissing was hard to do well. But that’s not to say there wasn’t plenty to look forward to. In the good category:
The Tease: Playful and light, this was like the romantic comedy of first kisses. The best ones involved intentional hesitation in which there was a beat of tension before the meeting of lips. Playful nips, teasing pecks and flirting tongues were all allowed.
The Hot and Hard: A favorite of alpha men. Typically a precursor to sex.
The Dream Sequence: Practically required its own dramatic ballad. Long, steamy and lingering, best suited for sultry summer nights or fireside kisses. Not welcome first thing in the morning.
The ‘I Love You’: The unicorn of First Kisses. Julie was reasonably sure it didn’t exist. Grace had made her include it.
The Teen: Reckless, a little messy, possibly in public. Hard to get right, but a personal favorite of Julie’s when done right.
But Julie was stunned to realize there was a first kiss she hadn’t yet experienced.
The first kiss that didn’t feel like the first kiss at all.
For more about that kiss, you’ll have to go straight to the source
Seriously though, what did I tell you? The first kiss is everything. And I know I can’t be the only one who’s spent a work day killing time on YouTube re-watching epic movie/TV kisses.
Below are some of my favorite first kisses. None of these involved The Labrador. Of this I’m sure…
Angel and Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sorry kids, I just never could get into the Buffy/Spike thing. I checked out of Buffy about the same time as Angel.
Josie and Sam from Never Been Kissed. I used to rewind this (because yes, I’m old enough to have watched this on VHS) and watch the end kiss over and over.
Kate and Sawyer from Lost. Now…I’m a Kate/Jack loyalist. But that kiss with Sawyer? Wow. WOW.
Sydney and Michael from Alias. This one’s for sure from the Dream Sequence category. And yeah so, Michael Vartan’s made this list twice. So what?
Gray and Fritz from Catch and Release. Honestly? The movie’s not that great. But it’s almost worth it for the kiss. This one’s definitely in the Hot and Hard category.
Charlie and Maverick in Top Gun. Say what you will about modern day Tom Cruise. That kiss by the car was HOT.
Veronica and Logan in Veronica Mars. Ah, the “pull her back and kiss her” routine. Classic.
Gigi and Alex in He’s Just Not that Into You. I waited for that moment from the second these two were on screen together. Here we have a little bit of The Tease going on, but trust me.
It warms you right up…
Buttercup and Wesley in The Princess Bride. Actually, ALL the kisses in this movie. Not just their first.
Okay, it’s class-participation time. Which on screen kisses get you every.single.time? Come on — you know there are some that you’ve re-watched a billion times!
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